Have been trying to resolve the issues between your parents? Are you unable to understand and meet the demands of your partner that is causing issues? Are you going through a toxic relationship which is causing mental and physical problems? Is it getting hard for you to manage your relationship with your friends in Chinatown because of busy routine?
Well, you are not the only one dealing with these problems in Chinatown. There are many people who are going through the same phase. You will be surprised to know that it is the main cause of depression and stress in many people. However, an important thing you need to understand is that mistake happens from both sides and you have to resolve them together.
4 Things Pre-Marriage Counseling A Couple Should Consider Before They Commit
What happens most of the time is that after suffering for so many years by the hands of someone close, dear, or loved ones; our way of behaving with others and overall attitude, gets a bit aggressive and loud towards small things and issues. We start to react harshly over normal things and when we get a reaction from others, we end up with feeling that no one understand us and everyone is trying to hurt us, but in reality it is our behavior that is causing all the disturbance. Don’t consider it just for romantic relationship but it can be between you and your parents, siblings, and friends. However, there is also no doubt that romantic relationship failure gives us the biggest heartaches.
What is Emotional Abuse
Any behavior designed to undermine and control someone else through fear, humiliation, manipulation or intimidation is emotional abuse. This can present itself in the form of verbal abuse, constant criticism or fault finding. Through these tactics the abuser makes their victims feel that they are inadequate and inferior and erodes their self-esteem.
Contrary to what some people believe, not all forms of abuse are expressed through physical violence. Emotional abuse can and often does lead to physical aggression but the abuser uses manipulation tactics as opposed to physical abuse.
What Influences People to Resort to Emotional Abuse
The need to control other people or degrade and belittle them often stems from a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Abusers are psychologically and emotionally immature and may have been the victim of, or witnessed, an abusive relationship during childhood. As a result these people accept abusive behavior as the norm.
Emotional abuse does not discriminate against race, socioeconomic status, religion, culture or gender. However, in heterosexual relationships the victim in the majority of emotional abuse cases is female.
According to statistics on spousal abuse, emotional abuse occurs 6% more often than physical abuse. In view of the fact that emotional abuse is not considered a criminal act and that most cases go unreported until they eventually culminate in physical abuse the figure for emotional abuse is in reality probably much higher.
Almost 40% of women experience some type of emotional abuse either by a partner or someone with whom they have an intimate relationship. All victims in emotional abusive relationships have a very high risk of becoming physical abused. Emotional abuse is an attempt to take control of the partner - both mentally and/or emotionally.
As with all other forms of abuse the victim is bullied into living a life where the victim is in constant fear of the abuser and inevitably change their behavior and lifestyle to please the abuser.
In situations where the abuser becomes anxious of losing control over the abused or where the abuser feels guilt caused by any of his/her own actions the abuse tends to escalate. This will then allow the abuser to pass the blame of his own actions onto the abused and once again gain control over that person.
Social beliefs can also influence some men into believing that they are the stronger sex and have a right to discipline a wife or girlfriend that is disobedient.
Alcohol and drug misuse can aggravate but cannot cause emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a personality disorder, however abusers often hide behind substance abuse as a means to justify their behavior.
None of the above reason are an excuse to be an abuser as any form of abuse is in violation of the basic human rights of the person being abused.
Who Becomes Victims of Emotional Abuse
People do not willing enter or stay in an abusive relationship but people who were verbally abused as a child often find themselves in abusive relationships as an adult. These people may not have learned how to validate their own feelings and perceptions and develop their own viewpoints. Despite the fact that emotional abuse is destructive these individuals are more likely to accept emotional abuse as normal, even comfortable.
Abusers transfer their own feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, fear, hurt and anger to their victims. This allows them to feel more in control and avoids the issue of their own insecurities and self-perceptions.
People who are subjected to constant emotional abuse lose their sense of self-worth and no longer trust their own perceptions. Over time the victims lose all sense of self and ultimately become incapable of forming a realistic judgment of the situation. The end result is that the victim's self esteem is so low that they cling to the abuser firmly believing that they deserve to be treated this way.
Emotional abusers are masters in the art of manipulation and convince their victims that they are worthless and that no-one else would want them. The victims then believe that they have nowhere else to go and lack the self-confidence to be on their own.
Emotional abuse leaves wounds that are much deeper and lasting than physical abuse. It is also much more difficult to talk about and explain to the outside world. The abuser normally has a dual personality or "two faces". The "Mr Nice Guy" - everybody's friend, loving spouse, successful, life and soul of the party is the face that they present to the world and the emotional abuse is reserved for the victim.
If they suspect that their victims are strong enough to seek help they are known to spread rumors about their victims instability. This makes it even more difficult for the abused to walk away from an abusive relationship and they stay for fear of being labeled neurotic. In an attempt to conceal their abusive behavior they often isolate their victim keeping them away from family and friends.
Emotional abuse is the greatest indication of potential physical violence, especially where a woman is called names to humiliate and belittle her. Emotionally abusive partners have also been known to commit murder or murder-suicide. People who are subjected to emotional abuse may become suicidal.
Tactics Used By The Emotional Abuser
The emotional abuser is invariably egocentric and as such can place unreasonable demands on his victim, expecting them to give all their time and attention to the abuser. In doing so they are denying their victim of any right to privacy and time of their own. They expect their partner to be at their beck and call and will still be dissatisfied irrespective of how much they are prepared to give of themselves.
Emotional abusers have an obsession with control and will go to great lengths in an attempt to control their partner's every move. If their wants are not met they will resort to threats or punishment to get control of the victim's life. Allowing someone to dominate them to this extent will cause the victims to lose any sense of self-respect.
The victims will be constantly criticized and berated for their inability to meet the abuser's needs. Emotional abusers also constantly criticize the partner's size and appearance breaking down their self-esteem until they believe that they are repulsive and worthless.
Isolation is another common tactic used by emotional abusers. They want full control over their victim's lives and try to prevent them from having contact with their friends and family. They may even prevent them from having independent activities such as work, irrespective of whether they can afford for the victim not to earn an income or not.
Due to their own low self-esteem they are overly jealous and possessive and falsely accuse the victim of extra-marital affairs if they even speak to a person of the opposite sex. They often pressurize the victim to have sex with them to prove that they love the abuser. This often becomes their way of making amends after each attack despite the fact that the victim may be in a state of despair and hurting.
Abusers often use children as pawns in their power game and will criticize the partner's parenting abilities. They are also known to threaten to ensure that the victim does not get custody of the children should they decide to end the relationship.
Typical of an emotional abuser in order to maintain full control and power they will make all the decisions. This includes important matters such as family finances, what car to buy, where they live and which school the children will attend. They will withhold information from the victim and not consult them on any decisions.
A more aggressive form of abuse includes false accusations, name-calling, threats, blaming and ordering. The abuser assumes a superior position in the relationship by invalidating and judging the partner thereby undermining their equality and independence.
Aggressive abusive can also be more subtle and be disguised as an attempt to help the victim when in effect these are merely attempts to belittle and control them. This can lead to what is known as learned helplessness where the victim believes that they are helpless and remains passive in a damaging situation because they have been lead to believe that they are incapable of making a worthwhile decision.
Emotional abusers tend to deliberately start arguments as they have this uncontrollable urge to experience a feeling of power and control.
Denying is a very harmful form of emotional abuse and can cause the victim to lose all sense of self-worth. Besides minimizing of the victims opinion on anything they are known to deny that certain events took place or that hurtful things were said.Minimizing or trivializing is a more subtle form of denying whereby the abuser leads the victim to believe that they are over-reacting to events or things that were said. To hurt, humiliate or belittle their victims, abusers will question the victims perceptions, memory and even their sanity.
Constant invalidation of feelings, reality and experiences will inevitably lead the victim to mistrust their own perceptions and emotional experience. Emotional abusers can undermine the victims perception of reality by rejecting, mocking, diminishing, or judging the victim's feelings and opinions in an attempt to control the way the victim feels.
Abusers may often refuse to listen or communicate with their victims and withdraw emotionally as a means of punishment. This is what is commonly known as giving their victims the "silent treatment".
In an attempt to control their victims, abusers play on the values, guilt, compassion and fear of their victims to reach their goals. They may also threaten to abandon their victims in an attempt to expose the victims vulnerability and dependency on the abuser.
Abusers are often very moody people and may re-act differently to a specific situation depending on their mood. Drastic mood swings and emotional outbursts make a relationship with this type of abuser extremely draining as the victim is constantly on edge never knowing what to say or how to act to prevent an attack. This type of abuse is characterized by unpredictable responses and the victim, not knowing what to expect, is permanently on guard waiting for the next mood change which could lead to an outburst.
Characteristics of an emotional abuser
Abusers may demonstrate one or more of the following characteristics:-
- Unrealistic expectations of themselves and others
- Very demanding
- Volatile temper and over-react to minimal incidents
- Evade responsibility in a relationship and do not easily commit
- Excessively jealous and possessive and very insecure
- Have an obsession with controlling their victims and restricting their freedom and rights.
- Very demanding of their victims
- Make all the decisions and never take their partners feelings into consideration.
- Never take responsibility or blame for their own mistakes
- Never admit to the harm they cause - not even to themselves
- Can not empathize with others
- Dual personality
Effects of Emotional Abuse
People who are emotionally abused lose the confidence to make decisions for themselves and tend to agree with everything their partner suggests. They will do anything to please their abuser despite the fact that this is basically an impossible task as the abuser finds joy in criticizing everything the abused does.
In order to justify their staying in the relationship people who are emotionally abused find reasons to excuse the abuser's behavior. This includes having a bad childhood, a bad day at the office but more often than not the victim's tend to blame themselves. Something that they said or did is the reason why their partner is being abusive and they often feel it is their fault.
Emotional battering can cause serious health and psychological problems and the victims often become forgetful and find that they experience difficulty in concentrating. The abused often resort to alcohol or drug abuse or may develop eating or sleeping problems. The emotional stress can cause the abused to become physically ill or they may experience abnormal fatigue or anxiety attacks. All people react differently but it is not uncommon for emotionally abused people to suffer depression and to show a loss of interest in the world around them.
Emotional abusers often try to isolate their victims and the victims often find that they eventually lose all contact with their friends and family. As a result of the emotional battering abused people lose their self confidence and fear if they end the relationship that they will be all alone
Why Emotionally Abused Victims Don't Easily Leave
Victims of emotional abuse often stay in the abusive relationship in the hopes that the abuser will change. They often feel that by changing the way that they act towards the abuser they will be able to change the way the abuser acts towards them. Unfortunately one cannot control other people's emotions and neither can you change their personality.
One of the tragedies is that victims eventually believe all the degrading and hurtful things that the abuser tells them about themselves and truly believe that they are the cause of the problem.
The only possible way for them to walk away from this relationship with any dignity is to realise that the opinions expressed by the abuser are not necessarily their true opinion of the victim but only a means to get them to believe that they are worthless. If the victim has reached the stage where they can no longer distinguish between what could possibly be valid opinions and those given merely to hurt and control them they should seek outside help urgently.
It is very difficult for people who have been in an abusive relationship to just walk out without strong emotions of fear, embarrassment, self-blame and a host of other complex feelings. It is essential that the victims realize that there is a way out of an abusive relationship and there are trained people that will help them to overcome their fears and give them a greater understanding of the situation.
The foremost reason victims do not leave an abusive relationship is their inability to provide shelter and food for themselves and their children although threats, safety, fears and love are also contributory factors.
If you feel you are being abused, or know someone who is, you need to get help. Keeping the abuse a secret doesn't protect a person from being abused - it only makes it more likely that the abuse will continue.
What to Do if You Are Being Emotionally Abused
The very first step in the right direction is to recognize and admit that you are in a dysfunctional relationship and the victim of emotional abuse. This is a very serious situation to be in and is as bad if not worse than physical abuse. You must realize that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behavior.
Emotional abusers often resort to aggressive behavior and this could easily lead to physical violence or murder. Have a safety plan in place and take your safety and that of your children seriously.
If your partner has threatened to harm or kill you phone 911.
When you do make a decision to leave your partner seek legal advice.
- Victims of abuse are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave.
You and Me
the world knows a different you
you tell them i'm crazy and they believe it too
why shouldn't they - you're so gentle and kind
they don't know what goes on in your mind.
if i told them that there is a different you
a person they would loathe if only they knew
they'd probably think that i was to blame
and i'd only be putting myself to shame
cos emotional abuse leaves no scars they can see
you are not breaking bones - you are breaking me
you trample the core of my being - deep inside
taken away my dignity, my respect and my pride.
i can't wait for your leaving in the morning
and dread your return at night
being around you makes me edgy
just waiting for the next fight
what will i be ?- a slut or a bitch?
useless and ugly and an evil witch?
or will it be i'm just a cheap whore
someone nobody loves anymore?
or will you ask me what i did with my day
and then not listen to what i say
waiting to accuse me of lies and deceit
saying i slept with every man on our street
will you throw out the meal i prepared for you
find fault with every single thing that i do
will you punch me with words so hard that i cower
all in an effort to gain control and power.
or will you resort to threats of violence and death
i wish i could tell you to just hold your breath...........
cos you cannot kill someone who no longer exists
who died a slow death caused by words and not fists.
its always the same ending after a fight
you expect me to make love all through the night
when all i want is to be left alone and in peace
in a happy place where the hurting can cease
in this dysfunctional relationship that you call love
you torture me daily without a push or a shove
but the hurt cuts deeper than gashes and bruises could
and my heart bleeds more than my body ever would.
for time will never heal the scars that i bear
i just bury them deeper year after year
and change to who you want me to be
it makes it far easier than me being me
Laura du Toit - 2009
In all these situations, after back to back failed relationship issues and suffering from heartaches, you end up feeling mentally unstable. You find hard time in coping up with your daily routine or you simply cannot stop thinking negative about the world, its people, and whatever is happening around you in a negative manner.
What you can do in this regard?
Well, you need someone there for you to help you coping with the anxiety, depression, and this continuous sour of feeling down and dismayed. YOU NEED US!
“We are the best relationship therapists in the world to help you dealing with general and severe relationship issues caused by yours or others’ actions”.
Relationship therapy that’s also known as couples therapy, marriage, therapy, or relationship issues therapy; is an attempt to help you make an improvement in your relationships, specifically romantic ones, by resolving conflicts, issues, and misconception, occurred due to mistakes and misunderstandings.
Concept of Marriage And Relationship
There is no exact or required time to ask for and get relationship therapy until you find yourself in a mess that requires to be cleaned. Moreover, when you don’t want the problem to get worse, you need an expert advice, a helping hand, to go through the conflict and resolve it without damaging your relationship.
• Before and After a Marriage In Chinatown :
Moreover, you can ask for a relationship therapy before and after your marriage because it is a legal relationship and failed marriages won’t only cause depression and anxiety in the spouse, but it can even become the cause of you losing all of your income while competing in a family court against your spouse while filing for Divorce/Separation.
• When You Want To End A Relationship In A Less-Disturbing Way:
Moreover, you can also ask for a relationship therapy when you feel so nagged and downed by a failed infidel relationship. When you don’t want your mental health to fall apart and you also don’t want to end the relationship like this. The responsible behavior is that even if you both don’t mean to stay together, still finish the relationship in a way that won’t be toxic for anyone of you.
• When You See Your Kid Is Suffering From Mental Issues Because of the Conflicts Between You Two:
Furthermore, if you have been into a relationship where your kids are being suffered due to the conflicts between you and your partner, they will get mentally disrobed. Remember, you both are special for each other and watching other suffer is a suffering for yourselves. Even if you don’t show it to them, kids are sensitive and sharp, they sense the tension in the atmosphere and feel it to the end. Most of the time, instead of talking about it, they start getting isolated and here is when the overall problem starts. Here, again you need help from an expert therapist to help your kid coming back to his or her track. It doesn’t matter that your all kids would suffer the same, however the sensitive one requires your help the most.
• When You Have Suffered Through an Abusive Relationship
A toxic relationship, either it gives you sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse; it leaves some after effects on you and you start to take things in a very different way which most of the time is not healthy. Here you need to talk to expert therapists on your ex-relationship and the problems associated to it. Remember, it is not end of your life. The life never ends until you die. Therefore, one toxic relationship doesn’t mean you should stop asking for love. However, before getting into involved with someone else, you will have to get rid of all the abusiveness in your veins and heart caused by it. This is when you need to go to a relationship therapist so that you can accept and start your new relation in a better and healthier manner.
• When you need Serious Mental Help:
Most of the time a suffering through Communication Problems Sex and Sexuality, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Adjustment issues, and Bipolar Disorder (BPD) requires serious and immediate help or else the after-effects can be worst and require a huge time in resolving issues. This can end up in failed marriages, failed relationships, and successful attempts of suicide. When you don’t want this to happen, you need to bring the sufferers to us and let our experts in Chinatown deal with them.
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Passive Aggression and Relationships
We all have different personalities and different ways to cope with our feelings. People who are passive aggressive do not want to deal with their feelings of anger. There is a difference between acting passive aggressive occasionally and being passive aggressive all the time and it dominates their thoughts, their actions, their personality.
People who are passive aggressive all the time are known to have PAPD, passive aggressive personality disorder. They switch off between several thoughts. They believe they are perfect and will discredit anything their spouse may say about them. They will say yes, but secretly feel angry, and plot ways to not do what is asked of them because they are secretly afraid to express their real opinion. They play the part of the victim and slant the story so that they are the innocent one.
The Passive Aggressive Person and Their Partner
A passive aggressive person finds a willing victim. There is a problem between both people. The passive aggressive person resists, and the spouse gets and shows their frustration. The spouse also has dynamics that were set up in their childhood. It often comes from watching their own parents. One parent withdrew, and the other gets frustrated. They grow into adults who take care of others and feel unappreciated for it. As an adult, they unconsciously choose a partner who plays out these unresolved feelings. They will also repeat the patterns of their parents behavior towards each other.
The spouse falls for the passive aggressive person’s charm, his neediness, and doesn’t see how this throws off their lack of connection to others. The dynamics of the marriage leave the spouse who is not passive aggressive in doubt about themselves. The passive aggressive person blurs the lines between their own failures, and make them the other person’s. The passive aggressive person is very clever at eluding their spouse’s way of discovering what they are really about. Their life together is often filled with unsettling inconsistencies. When the passive aggressive husband, for example feels threatened, they withdraw, the wife feels frustrated and shows her anger. They are not able to settle the conflict in a direct way and the disagreement goes unresolved. Healthy relationships need openness and appropriate displays of anger.
The spouse of a passive aggressive person takes on several roles at various times. They are the rescuer. They are the controller who is managing and handling the situation. They are the victim. They are often pushed into frustrating situations that cause them to feel angry. Caught in a role of being all of these people, they ride an emotional roller coaster, as the passive aggressive spouse continues to make their mate feel like they will do what is asked of them.
The passive aggressive person knows how to erode their spouse’s self esteem. Their mate is feeling frustrated and angry, and may feel guilty about being angry. The passive aggressive person, through their innocent and naïve ways makes their spouse feel guilty about being angry at them and often gets their spouse to apologize to them.
How to Handle a Passive Aggressive Person
It is in our nature to repeat what we are unaware we are doing. The person who is attracted to a passive aggressive mate, will find another just like them in other relationships they have. There is a certain level of neediness that attracts this person to a passive aggressive individual. The person who is attracted to a passive aggressive mate does not usually set limits, is not usually demanding, and may be easily manipulated.
If you are married to a passive aggressive person you can handle the person by using straight non confrontational talk. It may help to change some of their irritating behavior.
Passive aggressive personality disorder is a pervasive way of being and behaving. It is a lifelong habit. It is not an easy task to straighten this out. I t starts with setting firm limits for yourself. Don’t blur the boundaries between their needs and what you think you can do for them. Stick to the promises you have made to yourself. Speak in terms of how you feel. State it in terms of “I feel...” Don’t protect your spouse from your feelings. Don’t accept their excuses when your spouse says they couldn’t do what you asked. Tell them, it is their choice and express how their behavior has affected you and others. Choose your battles. Focus on what is important. Intervene where it will count for you. When you are in an argument with your passive aggressive spouse make sure they don’t turn the focus back on you. Tell them it is about them, not you.
What You Can Do for Yourself When You Are in a Relationship With a Passive Aggressive Person
Become as self aware as you can. Observe how you avoid conflict, the ways you are passive yourself, and what triggers your own response to anger. Be vigilant about how they turn the blame on you. Don’t allow them to take the discussion off track. Try not to let them push your buttons and get you angry, so they can walk away from you.
It may be helpful to learn stress management so that you can handle your own anxiety effectively. It is important to encourage your spouse to make their own decisions, and to let them see that doing things helps to build their own confidence. Try not to be critical of their behavior. If you come on strong, they may react by retreating and isolating themselves because, remember they can’t how yo their anger. Try to raise them to a level of honesty and to say they don’t really want to do the things you have asked. Then you can explain how this makes you feel. Try to make fewer demands, asking only for what you need and see what happens. Show how the distortion of the truth is creating more problems. Be gentle, be direct, try not to be aggressive. Don’t allow them to make excuses or make excuses for them. Challenge their ambiguity and double messages, or how they are ignoring you.Challenge them when they try to cloud the issues with things that are not relevant to the situation. Don’t let them get away with giving you mixed messages.
They will try the tactic of making you feel sorry for them as though they are the victim, to avoid you coming down on them, and get you to feel sorry for them. Point out that their behavior is self defeating and not solving anything. Make them accountable.
Be sure to give them praise for the progress they are making. Hopefully you will get them to realize that there are good ways to resolve conflict. Understand for your knowledge that their fear of being dependent on you is related to their own rebellion. Try to avoid invading their privacy, or get in the way of them making them making their own decisions. Your partner may be afraid to acknowledge their own fears. Help them have the courage to deal with these feelings and that everyone has fears, and that it is good to learn about ourselves.
Passive Aggressive Partners
Your partner is bound to blame you for what is going on. It is important that you let them know how they betrayed you and that they must earn back your trust. Ask them what they will do to rebuild the trust you need from them.
Point out when they sulk and get moody and how all these things only make things worse. Show them how they close themselves off, and how that makes the issues more difficult to deal with. Keep the conversation open.
Be willing to learn about yourself too by accepting feedback and listening to criticism without getting defensive. Chart the relationship with new definitions so that positive change can take effect.
Show how they are manipulating the situation and being controlling, even though they may vehemently deny this. Show how they are using withdrawl tactics, sarcasm, irritability and moodiness, and intimidation in situations. Avoid getting into power struggles with them. Talk about unexpressed anger and how it can fester and cause destructiveness in the relationship.
Through couples counseling you and your spouse may be able to express uncomfortable feelings in safe and appropriate your. Give your passive aggressive spouse the opportunity to be more direct with you. Learn about yourself and how you react to anger. Observe how your interaction can fuel their anger, and on the positive side, how you can undermine their passive aggressive behavior.
Stay away from nagging them, it does not good and will only make things worse. Expressing your feelings in the right way will make all the difference in how you both handle the issues. When your partner gives you the silent treatment, tell them that it is upsetting to you. Explain that not talking makes it easier for each of you to form assumptions that put more distance between you.
Passive Aggressive People
All relationships are built on compromise. Let your partner know your compromise and get them to state theirs. Make them an active part of solving the problems in your marriage.
If your passive aggressive partner does not want to negotiate or compromise with you, it may be appropriate to state some consequences. If you do setup consequences, you must follow through on them.
If after everything has been tried and said, perhaps you need to stop spending so much energy on this person. Ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. it is time to question if your partner is really capable of being close to you. Is your partner putting their energy into helping the relationship or avoiding their own problems?
If you tried to make things work with this person, it may be time to move forward. Be forewarned that the passive aggressive person will seek revenge against you. If you aren’t all that unhappy in the relationship, then stay in the relationship. But realize that maybe it is time to give yourself what your spouse is not and cannot give you. Working on yourself may have a bigger payback. The choice is yours, but whatever you do, do it for yourself and make yourself happy most of all.
To read more about marriage and passive aggressive personality disorder click here.