In North Singapore marriage is considered a beautify relationship that binds two souls who have love and compassion in their hearts. FamilyRootsOrganizer is strong advocate of the fact that having someone in your life gives you the peace of mind that you have the support and love your need in order to succeed and live a healthy life.
Well, most of the time it happens that people in North Singapore find someone who can offer them such things, but, also some of the time it happens that people don’t get these things from their spouse and after a particular time period, they get separated from each other.
While, this is the huge steps that any person will take in his/her life because no matter there have been years or few months in their marriage, but they are emotionally attached to each other so that they cannot take this thing quite easily.
Now the question might pop up in someone’s mind that why then people get divorced if it is quite a painful thing to do for them. So, for the answer to this question, we are here going to tell you about 5 common causes of divorce in North Singapore.
Married to a Passive Aggressive Person and What to Do
My husband and I were together for eight years before we got married. You would think we would have known everything about one another by then. We thought we did too. That is, until a middle-aged man grilled us on every aspect of our future marriage, from babies to death.
We chose to be married in the Catholic church, so Pre-Cana (a premarital counseling course and consultation for couples) is mandatory. We knew this was the case, and I was actually pretty excited about it. For me, it meant I could discuss concrete things in our future without bringing it up myself—or freaking him out.
If I’m being honest, I think I also secretly harbored dreams of the aforementioned middle-aged man telling us we’ve done it—we have the perfect relationship! We would leave with baby names and a certificate that read “Your Marriage Is Guaranteed to Last Forever.” A little over a year into marriage, I now realize: There’s no such thing as perfect or guarantees, but there is such a thing as being as prepared as you can be. I can’t think of a better reason to be the latter when the stakes are love, happiness and, oh you know, the rest of your life.
1. In which areas would you like to help your fiancé improve?
Oh yeah, they start you out with just straight up critiquing your significant other. Only you have to communicate it delicately and truthfully, which is a lesson in itself.
2. What are some matters about which the two of you have different opinions?
What?! You can discuss the elephants in the room, and your entire relationship won’t disintegrate?!
3. If both have careers, whose job determines where you will live?
Whoa. That’s a doozy. We tackled this one with less of a definitive answer (think: “my job determines where we’ll go”) and decided this would be something we would face together and would involve weighing several other factors.
It felt more like a lesson in teamwork. A lot of the premarriage counseling questions had a side benefit to them. After this one in particular, we both felt we could conquer something like this together and agreed, at that moment, to do so.
4. What do you usually fight about and when do you usually fight?
Somehow I never really saw the pattern until we answered this question, but it was there all along. There were some pretty stupid things I was getting mad about, and usually it was when these little things built up over time that the fights happened.
Just realizing this has helped eliminate issues that could’ve ended up causing a real strain on our relationship. Dumb arguments will always be a thing as long as I am a part of any relationship, but at least now my husband sees them coming and can identify the solution quickly.
5. If you should be unable to have your own, would you adopt a child?
Nothing is off-limits in premarital counseling. Instead of shying away from topics like infertility, you face them head-on, which alleviates much of the tension and fear on the topic.
6. On your deathbed, what would sum up your life as worthwhile? What would give meaning to your life?
Being someone’s partner is so much more than just “you cook; I clean.” It’s lifting them up and helping them have a fulfilling life. What I learned in premarriage counseling:
First step: Admitting you’re not the ultimate fulfillment for your fiancé’s life.
Second step: Finding out what else is and doing everything in your power to give that to your partner.
Third step: Be on the receiving end of step one and two.
7. What do you intend to do to stay in love?
Turns out Netflix and chill is only a piece of the formula to permanent, lasting love. Our counselor told us that his wife and him dance together every day. Even when they’re furious at one another, they spend five minutes dancing in their kitchen. It reminds them of why they married one another in the first place. It sounds like it’s straight out of a Nicholas Sparks novel, but I swear it’s what he said!
Instead of waiting around and hoping that "staying in love" happens, premarriage counseling made us start planning on how to stay in love—while we were still engaged. Hard conversations and trying times will always be something we face, but after just a few hours in front of a counselor, we felt more equipped to face them. More importantly, we felt more confident that we can face them together.
One of the biggest reasons that you will find as the cause of divorce is infidelity. This thing determines the activity of cheating your spouse on someone. Since it is obvious that every person that gets married vows to spend the rest of his/her life with that person only. He/she takes some vows according to which he/she will never leave his/her spouse, will never hurt him/her and also not let him/her alone in any situation. Well, this thing happens to almost every person but in some cases, people get into infidelity due to which their relationship does not work out.
Well, the divorce step in the case of infidelity does not take by the person who is cheating, but by the person that is being cheated by that person. In this case, when the other person finds out that his/her spouse is involved with any other person and he/she is cheated on me, then he/she does not want to live with that person anymore and he/she claims the divorce to get apart.
2. Money And Finances
Another one of the biggest elements that become the cause of divorce between two people is money. Well, money is the most basic need that every person wants to have in his life. There is nothing can be done in a real-life if a person doesn’t have money in North Singapore. Although the financial status varies from one another if we say that a person had survived in his/her life without money in his/her hand, then it is totally wrong.
Well, in the case of marriage, money and financial status play an important role. If a person, especially man, is financially strong, then his woman will go far with him by living happily, but if the status goes down by any reason, then there is a huge chance that she does not want to live without that person and she get divorce from him. Additionally, this thing applies on the man, like if a person has a figure in his mind that his wife will get with her in her account and she will make him as the caretaker of that amount, then the man will consider that lady, but if she finds out after some time that the things those he was expecting from her, will not be fulfilled in any case, then he gets himself apart from her. In such cases, the relationships are meant to be materialistic instead of emotional.
3. Lack of Communication
According to resaerch conducted by FamilyRootsOrganizer every relationship is built on effective communication. If you are do not talk a lot with a person to whom you have some kind of relationship, then you will not be able to take it way too far.
The same thing happens in the case of marriage. This relationship in North Singapore highly needs to build effective communication to make it strong. Both husband and wife need to talk to each other on different topics and spend quality time with each other. When this thing does not happen, then there appear clashes between both of them. Both people feel mental differences from each and they don’t get a proper time to make their relationship strong. This is the reason that they end up being divorced and get separated from each other.
4. Lack of Intimacy
Sex is also another one of the most important things that makes a relationship stronger. We at FamilyRootsOrganizer believe if your spouse is not sexually fit as you are, then you will not be able to handle the relationship because every person has some particular sexual needs. If they are being fulfilled, then you will definitely a source by which you can get make these needs fulfilled.
This is the reason that when a person between husband or wife, feels lack of intimacy, then you will alternately end up to be divorced, and find any other person with which you are fully satisfied.
5. Abuse: Physical Or Mental
Abusing is also quite an essential thing that become the reason of divorce between two people. No matter, it is sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or any kind of physical abuse, no person can bear it for a long time. In this case, he/she will alternately take an action and demand for divorce or permanent separation.
How getting relationship therapy can help save the relationship?
Well, everything in this world has some kind of therapy for the betterment and improvement in that thing. If you are depressed or get anxiety attacks, then you will definitely get a proper therapy session, to get rid of it. Similarly, there is also a relationship therapy that helps you out to run your relationship better.
FamilyRootsOrganizer therapies help you out to understand the positive aspects of your relationship and give it a chance to work out. They encourage you to give your relationship a chance and try to make it better by changing your attitude or tackling the other person’s behavior.
So, make sure to have the relationship therapy if you are involved in any of this situation and give your marriage a chance instead of divorce.
Premarital Counseling For a Lifetime of Love
What is Emotional Abuse
Any behavior designed to undermine and control someone else through fear, humiliation, manipulation or intimidation is emotional abuse. This can present itself in the form of verbal abuse, constant criticism or fault finding. Through these tactics the abuser makes their victims feel that they are inadequate and inferior and erodes their self-esteem.
Contrary to what some people believe, not all forms of abuse are expressed through physical violence. Emotional abuse can and often does lead to physical aggression but the abuser uses manipulation tactics as opposed to physical abuse.
What Influences People to Resort to Emotional Abuse
The need to control other people or degrade and belittle them often stems from a lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem. Abusers are psychologically and emotionally immature and may have been the victim of, or witnessed, an abusive relationship during childhood. As a result these people accept abusive behavior as the norm.
Emotional abuse does not discriminate against race, socioeconomic status, religion, culture or gender. However, in heterosexual relationships the victim in the majority of emotional abuse cases is female.
According to statistics on spousal abuse, emotional abuse occurs 6% more often than physical abuse. In view of the fact that emotional abuse is not considered a criminal act and that most cases go unreported until they eventually culminate in physical abuse the figure for emotional abuse is in reality probably much higher.
Almost 40% of women experience some type of emotional abuse either by a partner or someone with whom they have an intimate relationship. All victims in emotional abusive relationships have a very high risk of becoming physical abused. Emotional abuse is an attempt to take control of the partner - both mentally and/or emotionally.
As with all other forms of abuse the victim is bullied into living a life where the victim is in constant fear of the abuser and inevitably change their behavior and lifestyle to please the abuser.
In situations where the abuser becomes anxious of losing control over the abused or where the abuser feels guilt caused by any of his/her own actions the abuse tends to escalate. This will then allow the abuser to pass the blame of his own actions onto the abused and once again gain control over that person.
Social beliefs can also influence some men into believing that they are the stronger sex and have a right to discipline a wife or girlfriend that is disobedient.
Alcohol and drug misuse can aggravate but cannot cause emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a personality disorder, however abusers often hide behind substance abuse as a means to justify their behavior.
None of the above reason are an excuse to be an abuser as any form of abuse is in violation of the basic human rights of the person being abused.
Who Becomes Victims of Emotional Abuse
People do not willing enter or stay in an abusive relationship but people who were verbally abused as a child often find themselves in abusive relationships as an adult. These people may not have learned how to validate their own feelings and perceptions and develop their own viewpoints. Despite the fact that emotional abuse is destructive these individuals are more likely to accept emotional abuse as normal, even comfortable.
Abusers transfer their own feelings of inadequacy, powerlessness, fear, hurt and anger to their victims. This allows them to feel more in control and avoids the issue of their own insecurities and self-perceptions.
People who are subjected to constant emotional abuse lose their sense of self-worth and no longer trust their own perceptions. Over time the victims lose all sense of self and ultimately become incapable of forming a realistic judgment of the situation. The end result is that the victim's self esteem is so low that they cling to the abuser firmly believing that they deserve to be treated this way.
Emotional abusers are masters in the art of manipulation and convince their victims that they are worthless and that no-one else would want them. The victims then believe that they have nowhere else to go and lack the self-confidence to be on their own.
Emotional abuse leaves wounds that are much deeper and lasting than physical abuse. It is also much more difficult to talk about and explain to the outside world. The abuser normally has a dual personality or "two faces". The "Mr Nice Guy" - everybody's friend, loving spouse, successful, life and soul of the party is the face that they present to the world and the emotional abuse is reserved for the victim.
If they suspect that their victims are strong enough to seek help they are known to spread rumors about their victims instability. This makes it even more difficult for the abused to walk away from an abusive relationship and they stay for fear of being labeled neurotic. In an attempt to conceal their abusive behavior they often isolate their victim keeping them away from family and friends.
Emotional abuse is the greatest indication of potential physical violence, especially where a woman is called names to humiliate and belittle her. Emotionally abusive partners have also been known to commit murder or murder-suicide. People who are subjected to emotional abuse may become suicidal.
Tactics Used By The Emotional Abuser
The emotional abuser is invariably egocentric and as such can place unreasonable demands on his victim, expecting them to give all their time and attention to the abuser. In doing so they are denying their victim of any right to privacy and time of their own. They expect their partner to be at their beck and call and will still be dissatisfied irrespective of how much they are prepared to give of themselves.
Emotional abusers have an obsession with control and will go to great lengths in an attempt to control their partner's every move. If their wants are not met they will resort to threats or punishment to get control of the victim's life. Allowing someone to dominate them to this extent will cause the victims to lose any sense of self-respect.
The victims will be constantly criticized and berated for their inability to meet the abuser's needs. Emotional abusers also constantly criticize the partner's size and appearance breaking down their self-esteem until they believe that they are repulsive and worthless.
Isolation is another common tactic used by emotional abusers. They want full control over their victim's lives and try to prevent them from having contact with their friends and family. They may even prevent them from having independent activities such as work, irrespective of whether they can afford for the victim not to earn an income or not.
Due to their own low self-esteem they are overly jealous and possessive and falsely accuse the victim of extra-marital affairs if they even speak to a person of the opposite sex. They often pressurize the victim to have sex with them to prove that they love the abuser. This often becomes their way of making amends after each attack despite the fact that the victim may be in a state of despair and hurting.
Abusers often use children as pawns in their power game and will criticize the partner's parenting abilities. They are also known to threaten to ensure that the victim does not get custody of the children should they decide to end the relationship.
Typical of an emotional abuser in order to maintain full control and power they will make all the decisions. This includes important matters such as family finances, what car to buy, where they live and which school the children will attend. They will withhold information from the victim and not consult them on any decisions.
A more aggressive form of abuse includes false accusations, name-calling, threats, blaming and ordering. The abuser assumes a superior position in the relationship by invalidating and judging the partner thereby undermining their equality and independence.
Aggressive abusive can also be more subtle and be disguised as an attempt to help the victim when in effect these are merely attempts to belittle and control them. This can lead to what is known as learned helplessness where the victim believes that they are helpless and remains passive in a damaging situation because they have been lead to believe that they are incapable of making a worthwhile decision.
Emotional abusers tend to deliberately start arguments as they have this uncontrollable urge to experience a feeling of power and control.
Denying is a very harmful form of emotional abuse and can cause the victim to lose all sense of self-worth. Besides minimizing of the victims opinion on anything they are known to deny that certain events took place or that hurtful things were said.Minimizing or trivializing is a more subtle form of denying whereby the abuser leads the victim to believe that they are over-reacting to events or things that were said. To hurt, humiliate or belittle their victims, abusers will question the victims perceptions, memory and even their sanity.
Constant invalidation of feelings, reality and experiences will inevitably lead the victim to mistrust their own perceptions and emotional experience. Emotional abusers can undermine the victims perception of reality by rejecting, mocking, diminishing, or judging the victim's feelings and opinions in an attempt to control the way the victim feels.
Abusers may often refuse to listen or communicate with their victims and withdraw emotionally as a means of punishment. This is what is commonly known as giving their victims the "silent treatment".
In an attempt to control their victims, abusers play on the values, guilt, compassion and fear of their victims to reach their goals. They may also threaten to abandon their victims in an attempt to expose the victims vulnerability and dependency on the abuser.
Abusers are often very moody people and may re-act differently to a specific situation depending on their mood. Drastic mood swings and emotional outbursts make a relationship with this type of abuser extremely draining as the victim is constantly on edge never knowing what to say or how to act to prevent an attack. This type of abuse is characterized by unpredictable responses and the victim, not knowing what to expect, is permanently on guard waiting for the next mood change which could lead to an outburst.
Characteristics of an emotional abuser
Abusers may demonstrate one or more of the following characteristics:-
- Unrealistic expectations of themselves and others
- Very demanding
- Volatile temper and over-react to minimal incidents
- Evade responsibility in a relationship and do not easily commit
- Excessively jealous and possessive and very insecure
- Have an obsession with controlling their victims and restricting their freedom and rights.
- Very demanding of their victims
- Make all the decisions and never take their partners feelings into consideration.
- Never take responsibility or blame for their own mistakes
- Never admit to the harm they cause - not even to themselves
- Can not empathize with others
- Dual personality
Effects of Emotional Abuse
People who are emotionally abused lose the confidence to make decisions for themselves and tend to agree with everything their partner suggests. They will do anything to please their abuser despite the fact that this is basically an impossible task as the abuser finds joy in criticizing everything the abused does.
In order to justify their staying in the relationship people who are emotionally abused find reasons to excuse the abuser's behavior. This includes having a bad childhood, a bad day at the office but more often than not the victim's tend to blame themselves. Something that they said or did is the reason why their partner is being abusive and they often feel it is their fault.
Emotional battering can cause serious health and psychological problems and the victims often become forgetful and find that they experience difficulty in concentrating. The abused often resort to alcohol or drug abuse or may develop eating or sleeping problems. The emotional stress can cause the abused to become physically ill or they may experience abnormal fatigue or anxiety attacks. All people react differently but it is not uncommon for emotionally abused people to suffer depression and to show a loss of interest in the world around them.
Emotional abusers often try to isolate their victims and the victims often find that they eventually lose all contact with their friends and family. As a result of the emotional battering abused people lose their self confidence and fear if they end the relationship that they will be all alone
Why Emotionally Abused Victims Don't Easily Leave
Victims of emotional abuse often stay in the abusive relationship in the hopes that the abuser will change. They often feel that by changing the way that they act towards the abuser they will be able to change the way the abuser acts towards them. Unfortunately one cannot control other people's emotions and neither can you change their personality.
One of the tragedies is that victims eventually believe all the degrading and hurtful things that the abuser tells them about themselves and truly believe that they are the cause of the problem.
The only possible way for them to walk away from this relationship with any dignity is to realise that the opinions expressed by the abuser are not necessarily their true opinion of the victim but only a means to get them to believe that they are worthless. If the victim has reached the stage where they can no longer distinguish between what could possibly be valid opinions and those given merely to hurt and control them they should seek outside help urgently.
It is very difficult for people who have been in an abusive relationship to just walk out without strong emotions of fear, embarrassment, self-blame and a host of other complex feelings. It is essential that the victims realize that there is a way out of an abusive relationship and there are trained people that will help them to overcome their fears and give them a greater understanding of the situation.
The foremost reason victims do not leave an abusive relationship is their inability to provide shelter and food for themselves and their children although threats, safety, fears and love are also contributory factors.
If you feel you are being abused, or know someone who is, you need to get help. Keeping the abuse a secret doesn't protect a person from being abused - it only makes it more likely that the abuse will continue.
What to Do if You Are Being Emotionally Abused
The very first step in the right direction is to recognize and admit that you are in a dysfunctional relationship and the victim of emotional abuse. This is a very serious situation to be in and is as bad if not worse than physical abuse. You must realize that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behavior.
Emotional abusers often resort to aggressive behavior and this could easily lead to physical violence or murder. Have a safety plan in place and take your safety and that of your children seriously.
If your partner has threatened to harm or kill you phone 911.
When you do make a decision to leave your partner seek legal advice.
- Victims of abuse are at the greatest risk of being harmed or killed when they leave.
You and Me
the world knows a different you
you tell them i'm crazy and they believe it too
why shouldn't they - you're so gentle and kind
they don't know what goes on in your mind.
if i told them that there is a different you
a person they would loathe if only they knew
they'd probably think that i was to blame
and i'd only be putting myself to shame
cos emotional abuse leaves no scars they can see
you are not breaking bones - you are breaking me
you trample the core of my being - deep inside
taken away my dignity, my respect and my pride.
i can't wait for your leaving in the morning
and dread your return at night
being around you makes me edgy
just waiting for the next fight
what will i be ?- a slut or a bitch?
useless and ugly and an evil witch?
or will it be i'm just a cheap whore
someone nobody loves anymore?
or will you ask me what i did with my day
and then not listen to what i say
waiting to accuse me of lies and deceit
saying i slept with every man on our street
will you throw out the meal i prepared for you
find fault with every single thing that i do
will you punch me with words so hard that i cower
all in an effort to gain control and power.
or will you resort to threats of violence and death
i wish i could tell you to just hold your breath...........
cos you cannot kill someone who no longer exists
who died a slow death caused by words and not fists.
its always the same ending after a fight
you expect me to make love all through the night
when all i want is to be left alone and in peace
in a happy place where the hurting can cease
in this dysfunctional relationship that you call love
you torture me daily without a push or a shove
but the hurt cuts deeper than gashes and bruises could
and my heart bleeds more than my body ever would.
for time will never heal the scars that i bear
i just bury them deeper year after year
and change to who you want me to be
it makes it far easier than me being me
Laura du Toit - 2009