Have been trying to resolve the issues between your parents? Are you unable to understand and meet the demands of your partner that is causing issues? Are you going through a toxic relationship which is causing mental and physical problems? Is it getting hard for you to manage your relationship with your friends in Telok Ayyer because of busy routine?
Well, you are not the only one dealing with these problems in Telok Ayyer. There are many people who are going through the same phase. You will be surprised to know that it is the main cause of depression and stress in many people. However, an important thing you need to understand is that mistake happens from both sides and you have to resolve them together.
Three Signs of A Successful Marriage
What happens most of the time is that after suffering for so many years by the hands of someone close, dear, or loved ones; our way of behaving with others and overall attitude, gets a bit aggressive and loud towards small things and issues. We start to react harshly over normal things and when we get a reaction from others, we end up with feeling that no one understand us and everyone is trying to hurt us, but in reality it is our behavior that is causing all the disturbance. Don’t consider it just for romantic relationship but it can be between you and your parents, siblings, and friends. However, there is also no doubt that romantic relationship failure gives us the biggest heartaches.
This was the day I had planned for and looked forward to from the time I was a little girl. I practiced by trying on my mother's wedding dress and veil, carrying her flowers and standing in front of the mirror to admire myself as a bride. This was the morning that I got up, went early to the salon to have my hair done, get dressed in my very own dress and veil, have pictures taken with my new husband, parents and newly extended family. It was a perfect snowy day. Big flakes falling down, creating the perfect winter wonderland that I'd wanted for our special day. My dad walked me down the aisle, gave me away to my husband, we said our vows, promises made and the deal was sealed. Finally married. It was a great day. One of the best, most fun weddings that we had ever been to. Snowmen centre pieces on the table, white mini lights twinkling around the room, ice cream wedding cake, winter wonderland, happy people helping us celebrate our day. It ended with us falling into bed, tired, happy, laughing about the funny events of the day, it had turned out to be the perfect wedding day. Perfect start to the rest of our happily ever after...or so I thought.
Nov 21, 2014 Anniversary #16
This was the first anniversary after I had found out that our marriage was not all that I thought it was. Our 16th Anniversary. In the last couple of years I had felt the shift in our relationship. I felt like there was something else going on in my husbands life that he wasn't sharing with me. He was working longer hours, spending less time at home, when he was home he stayed up later and later often coming to bed well after I had fallen asleep. I began to wonder if the thing in his life that he wasn't sharing was another relationship. I asked if there was another woman in his life, and he said no there wasn't. For awhile, I chalked it up to me being busy with the kids and their activities and him busy with the company and work.
This first anniversary after finding out that he had been with someone else, I didn't want to celebrate. I wanted to forget the day and have it be just another day in November. That didn't happen. Friends of ours wanted to go out an celebrate the evening. So because I hadn't told my friend what I had found out, she knew nothing and figured it would be a great couples night out. I just wanted the day to be over so I could go to sleep and not think anymore about how those things that he had promised me on this day 16 years ago, now didn't mean shit to me anymore. Celebrating felt like a lie, and at this point I was so tired of lies that I didn't want to tell anymore. I didn't want to pretend that this day still meant the same to me anymore. I just felt empty and sad.
Nov 21, 2015
I've been dreading this day again, since the beginning of the month. I wish I had some excuse to be away but I don't. So I've let it slip by and at some point maybe my husband will notice that the day got past us or he won't. Maybe he's remembered too and knows that it's a day that he just best leave alone. He doesn't understand that he has ruined this special day for me. I don't wear my wedding rings anymore because he broke those promises that he made with them. When he told me he wanted to save our marriage, he wanted me to stay, he loved me but then lied to me some more. He told me last year that he wouldn't hurt me anymore, that our marriage was worth fighting for. He lied and continued to have an online affair with a much younger woman in the States. I found out in January that he had gone to be with her. He told me he would end it. He lied. He asked me if I would give him a week to go, end things with her in June and then it would all be over. He lied, it wasn't over. He continued to be in contact with her. He lied to her too. He told her we were separated. In August, two months after I gave him his "hall pass", he went to see her again. He lied to me again, to go be with her. I cancelled our marriage counselling that he suggested, so he could fly out to go and see her. My instincts all along were telling me that he was lying.
I can't forget, the days leading up to him leaving to go be with her and the things he said. When he told me that he loved me and that he just wanted to get his work over and done with so that he could come home. I just wanted him to be honest. I wanted to believe what he was saying. I wanted to believe that maybe this anniversary maybe I would feel differently, and that the first affair was just a hiccup in our twenty three years together. I can't forget that he loved someone else besides me. I don't believe him now. I don't feel like he loves me, even though he says he does. I feel more empty and care less. I'm not going to worry about what he is doing anymore and just concentrate on living my life. I have two teenagers that I need to concentrate on raising, and not worry about how my in-laws failed to be upstanding parents and set a good example for their son. I don't know how many times, he expects that I will just keep forgiving what he was doing. I will stay married, because I meant the promises that I made. I don't think I can forgive his trip in August, I don't think I want to. I feel that the more chances and forgiveness that I give, the more he will take advantage of me.
So now this special day, that I once looked forward to, is just a day that I'd like to skip. Just a day like any of the other 365 days this year. If I can make it a couple of more hours without him realizing that today was our anniversary, and I don't have to explain to him why I just wanted to forget about it, would be great. I don't want to fight or try to explain to him my reasons, because he just doesn't get the hurt that he's caused me in the last year. I had hoped that I would feel differently after last year, and maybe if things had of gone differently then tonight would be different, and I would feel like celebrating like we did 17 years ago, with the snow falling down, with me in my dress and him in his tux. My little girl dreams were supposed to have lasted, but instead the fairytale ended and I'm navigating through reality. It sucks when the ending doesn't turn out the way you planned.
In all these situations, after back to back failed relationship issues and suffering from heartaches, you end up feeling mentally unstable. You find hard time in coping up with your daily routine or you simply cannot stop thinking negative about the world, its people, and whatever is happening around you in a negative manner.
What you can do in this regard?
Well, you need someone there for you to help you coping with the anxiety, depression, and this continuous sour of feeling down and dismayed. YOU NEED US!
“We are the best relationship therapists in the world to help you dealing with general and severe relationship issues caused by yours or others’ actions”.
Relationship therapy that’s also known as couples therapy, marriage, therapy, or relationship issues therapy; is an attempt to help you make an improvement in your relationships, specifically romantic ones, by resolving conflicts, issues, and misconception, occurred due to mistakes and misunderstandings.
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There is no exact or required time to ask for and get relationship therapy until you find yourself in a mess that requires to be cleaned. Moreover, when you don’t want the problem to get worse, you need an expert advice, a helping hand, to go through the conflict and resolve it without damaging your relationship.
• Before and After a Marriage In Telok Ayyer :
Moreover, you can ask for a relationship therapy before and after your marriage because it is a legal relationship and failed marriages won’t only cause depression and anxiety in the spouse, but it can even become the cause of you losing all of your income while competing in a family court against your spouse while filing for Divorce/Separation.
• When You Want To End A Relationship In A Less-Disturbing Way:
Moreover, you can also ask for a relationship therapy when you feel so nagged and downed by a failed infidel relationship. When you don’t want your mental health to fall apart and you also don’t want to end the relationship like this. The responsible behavior is that even if you both don’t mean to stay together, still finish the relationship in a way that won’t be toxic for anyone of you.
• When You See Your Kid Is Suffering From Mental Issues Because of the Conflicts Between You Two:
Furthermore, if you have been into a relationship where your kids are being suffered due to the conflicts between you and your partner, they will get mentally disrobed. Remember, you both are special for each other and watching other suffer is a suffering for yourselves. Even if you don’t show it to them, kids are sensitive and sharp, they sense the tension in the atmosphere and feel it to the end. Most of the time, instead of talking about it, they start getting isolated and here is when the overall problem starts. Here, again you need help from an expert therapist to help your kid coming back to his or her track. It doesn’t matter that your all kids would suffer the same, however the sensitive one requires your help the most.
• When You Have Suffered Through an Abusive Relationship
A toxic relationship, either it gives you sexual abuse, emotional abuse, or physical abuse; it leaves some after effects on you and you start to take things in a very different way which most of the time is not healthy. Here you need to talk to expert therapists on your ex-relationship and the problems associated to it. Remember, it is not end of your life. The life never ends until you die. Therefore, one toxic relationship doesn’t mean you should stop asking for love. However, before getting into involved with someone else, you will have to get rid of all the abusiveness in your veins and heart caused by it. This is when you need to go to a relationship therapist so that you can accept and start your new relation in a better and healthier manner.
• When you need Serious Mental Help:
Most of the time a suffering through Communication Problems Sex and Sexuality, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Adjustment issues, and Bipolar Disorder (BPD) requires serious and immediate help or else the after-effects can be worst and require a huge time in resolving issues. This can end up in failed marriages, failed relationships, and successful attempts of suicide. When you don’t want this to happen, you need to bring the sufferers to us and let our experts in Telok Ayyer deal with them.
4 Things Pre-Marriage Counseling A Couple Should Consider Before They Commit
Passive Aggression and Relationships
We all have different personalities and different ways to cope with our feelings. People who are passive aggressive do not want to deal with their feelings of anger. There is a difference between acting passive aggressive occasionally and being passive aggressive all the time and it dominates their thoughts, their actions, their personality.
People who are passive aggressive all the time are known to have PAPD, passive aggressive personality disorder. They switch off between several thoughts. They believe they are perfect and will discredit anything their spouse may say about them. They will say yes, but secretly feel angry, and plot ways to not do what is asked of them because they are secretly afraid to express their real opinion. They play the part of the victim and slant the story so that they are the innocent one.
The Passive Aggressive Person and Their Partner
A passive aggressive person finds a willing victim. There is a problem between both people. The passive aggressive person resists, and the spouse gets and shows their frustration. The spouse also has dynamics that were set up in their childhood. It often comes from watching their own parents. One parent withdrew, and the other gets frustrated. They grow into adults who take care of others and feel unappreciated for it. As an adult, they unconsciously choose a partner who plays out these unresolved feelings. They will also repeat the patterns of their parents behavior towards each other.
The spouse falls for the passive aggressive person’s charm, his neediness, and doesn’t see how this throws off their lack of connection to others. The dynamics of the marriage leave the spouse who is not passive aggressive in doubt about themselves. The passive aggressive person blurs the lines between their own failures, and make them the other person’s. The passive aggressive person is very clever at eluding their spouse’s way of discovering what they are really about. Their life together is often filled with unsettling inconsistencies. When the passive aggressive husband, for example feels threatened, they withdraw, the wife feels frustrated and shows her anger. They are not able to settle the conflict in a direct way and the disagreement goes unresolved. Healthy relationships need openness and appropriate displays of anger.
The spouse of a passive aggressive person takes on several roles at various times. They are the rescuer. They are the controller who is managing and handling the situation. They are the victim. They are often pushed into frustrating situations that cause them to feel angry. Caught in a role of being all of these people, they ride an emotional roller coaster, as the passive aggressive spouse continues to make their mate feel like they will do what is asked of them.
The passive aggressive person knows how to erode their spouse’s self esteem. Their mate is feeling frustrated and angry, and may feel guilty about being angry. The passive aggressive person, through their innocent and naïve ways makes their spouse feel guilty about being angry at them and often gets their spouse to apologize to them.
How to Handle a Passive Aggressive Person
It is in our nature to repeat what we are unaware we are doing. The person who is attracted to a passive aggressive mate, will find another just like them in other relationships they have. There is a certain level of neediness that attracts this person to a passive aggressive individual. The person who is attracted to a passive aggressive mate does not usually set limits, is not usually demanding, and may be easily manipulated.
If you are married to a passive aggressive person you can handle the person by using straight non confrontational talk. It may help to change some of their irritating behavior.
Passive aggressive personality disorder is a pervasive way of being and behaving. It is a lifelong habit. It is not an easy task to straighten this out. I t starts with setting firm limits for yourself. Don’t blur the boundaries between their needs and what you think you can do for them. Stick to the promises you have made to yourself. Speak in terms of how you feel. State it in terms of “I feel...” Don’t protect your spouse from your feelings. Don’t accept their excuses when your spouse says they couldn’t do what you asked. Tell them, it is their choice and express how their behavior has affected you and others. Choose your battles. Focus on what is important. Intervene where it will count for you. When you are in an argument with your passive aggressive spouse make sure they don’t turn the focus back on you. Tell them it is about them, not you.
What You Can Do for Yourself When You Are in a Relationship With a Passive Aggressive Person
Become as self aware as you can. Observe how you avoid conflict, the ways you are passive yourself, and what triggers your own response to anger. Be vigilant about how they turn the blame on you. Don’t allow them to take the discussion off track. Try not to let them push your buttons and get you angry, so they can walk away from you.
It may be helpful to learn stress management so that you can handle your own anxiety effectively. It is important to encourage your spouse to make their own decisions, and to let them see that doing things helps to build their own confidence. Try not to be critical of their behavior. If you come on strong, they may react by retreating and isolating themselves because, remember they can’t how yo their anger. Try to raise them to a level of honesty and to say they don’t really want to do the things you have asked. Then you can explain how this makes you feel. Try to make fewer demands, asking only for what you need and see what happens. Show how the distortion of the truth is creating more problems. Be gentle, be direct, try not to be aggressive. Don’t allow them to make excuses or make excuses for them. Challenge their ambiguity and double messages, or how they are ignoring you.Challenge them when they try to cloud the issues with things that are not relevant to the situation. Don’t let them get away with giving you mixed messages.
They will try the tactic of making you feel sorry for them as though they are the victim, to avoid you coming down on them, and get you to feel sorry for them. Point out that their behavior is self defeating and not solving anything. Make them accountable.
Be sure to give them praise for the progress they are making. Hopefully you will get them to realize that there are good ways to resolve conflict. Understand for your knowledge that their fear of being dependent on you is related to their own rebellion. Try to avoid invading their privacy, or get in the way of them making them making their own decisions. Your partner may be afraid to acknowledge their own fears. Help them have the courage to deal with these feelings and that everyone has fears, and that it is good to learn about ourselves.
Passive Aggressive Partners
Your partner is bound to blame you for what is going on. It is important that you let them know how they betrayed you and that they must earn back your trust. Ask them what they will do to rebuild the trust you need from them.
Point out when they sulk and get moody and how all these things only make things worse. Show them how they close themselves off, and how that makes the issues more difficult to deal with. Keep the conversation open.
Be willing to learn about yourself too by accepting feedback and listening to criticism without getting defensive. Chart the relationship with new definitions so that positive change can take effect.
Show how they are manipulating the situation and being controlling, even though they may vehemently deny this. Show how they are using withdrawl tactics, sarcasm, irritability and moodiness, and intimidation in situations. Avoid getting into power struggles with them. Talk about unexpressed anger and how it can fester and cause destructiveness in the relationship.
Through couples counseling you and your spouse may be able to express uncomfortable feelings in safe and appropriate your. Give your passive aggressive spouse the opportunity to be more direct with you. Learn about yourself and how you react to anger. Observe how your interaction can fuel their anger, and on the positive side, how you can undermine their passive aggressive behavior.
Stay away from nagging them, it does not good and will only make things worse. Expressing your feelings in the right way will make all the difference in how you both handle the issues. When your partner gives you the silent treatment, tell them that it is upsetting to you. Explain that not talking makes it easier for each of you to form assumptions that put more distance between you.
Passive Aggressive People
All relationships are built on compromise. Let your partner know your compromise and get them to state theirs. Make them an active part of solving the problems in your marriage.
If your passive aggressive partner does not want to negotiate or compromise with you, it may be appropriate to state some consequences. If you do setup consequences, you must follow through on them.
If after everything has been tried and said, perhaps you need to stop spending so much energy on this person. Ask yourself what you are getting from this relationship. it is time to question if your partner is really capable of being close to you. Is your partner putting their energy into helping the relationship or avoiding their own problems?
If you tried to make things work with this person, it may be time to move forward. Be forewarned that the passive aggressive person will seek revenge against you. If you aren’t all that unhappy in the relationship, then stay in the relationship. But realize that maybe it is time to give yourself what your spouse is not and cannot give you. Working on yourself may have a bigger payback. The choice is yours, but whatever you do, do it for yourself and make yourself happy most of all.
To read more about marriage and passive aggressive personality disorder click here.